That sinking feeling in your stomach...
That pounding in your head, your heart beating so fast,
that rage in you that's come out of nowhere.
Is it teenage angst? A 'phase'?
Or is it something more than all of that.
That urges to just break something, before that something breaks you.
Those evil thoughts, that contain such hatred and unwanted feelings... how do you respond?
You either feed them and give in, or you resist and fight against the urge to listen to those thoughts.
Those bitter, jealous crazed thoughts that keep finding their way into your head, it just pisses you off doesn't it?
You would do anything to get rid of what causes this unwanted feeling wouldn't you?
Of course you would. Why should I bother asking? Its our human nature to want to get rid of something that makes us uncomfortable. The rock in our stomach, the pounding drum in your head, and the broken and battered heart. You want it all fixed up.
What if the thing that causes all this also could be used as a medicine? It could work, or become worse. Like a pain reliever, but when its out of your reach... you find yourself incredibly addicted.
Tsk tsk, not very easy to choose now is it? But part of you just says
"Fuck it, just get rid of it! I can't stand this torture!"
...whatever it is that is in your life, whatever your double sworded guilty pleasure is, could you get rid of it if needed?
Or perhaps you're too soft hearted. Or too dependable on it. It gives you strength, it's your medicine. It's the thing you've wanted for so long...
Or your stone cold just like the cement on a rainy day...cold and wet. You feel its depended on you for too long. Its taking away your strength, it's your drug. It's the thing you've been worried about for so long...
Either way you can't stop. What to do now? Take the easy way out...? Who knows what that is for you, personally the ideal easy way would be to quit the game, permanently, keep it out of your life.
The stupid weak way would be for it all to just come crashing down. Maybe your stupid and weak? Maybe I'M stupid and weak.
But you don't think about ANY of this until the pain has subsided. That burning that feels like flames crawling up your chest and the words of venom you spit out. That sinking feeling dragging you into a dark place you can't come out of. That pounding in your head stops all thinking and yet you continue to speak?
All you know is you want it to stop. Stop forever it's too much....too much..... no amount of pleasure this double sided sword gives, could ever heal the wounds it inflicted in the first place.
Right?... maybe you don't care as long as you get that pleasure, you would even let it use you all up, your energy, your happiness, even your love.
All you want is to stop the pain... but would you let go of your ultimate desire to do so?